Rtn Philip Smith tells jokes

Unfortunately our scheduled speaker was unable to attend today, so our member Philip Smith stepped in at short notice. It was even shorter than it should have been as he has had difficulties accessing his emails and didn’t see the request from our Programme Officer, David Axon, until some days after it was sent.

Philip opted to tell us jokes. It is impossible to recount them all here so our webmaster selected two.

The first goes like this:

Three friends drink far too much at the pub one evening. As they stagger out they see a policeman walking towards them. “Quick,” says one, “we musn’t give him our real names.”

“How can we think up names quickly?” asks another. “I know, let’s draw from inspiration from the names of the shops.“

The policeman duly asks the first his name. He swiftly glances around. “Mark Spencer,” he says.

The second also looks around and gives his name as John Menzies.

The third beams at the policeman and declares his name: “Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

Here is the second:

An engaged couple are killed in a road accident. As they wait before the Pearly Gates for St Peter to speak to them they agree that they would still like to get married and wonder whether it would be possible to get married in Heaven. They decided to ask St Peter.

“I don’t know,” he tells them, “but I will try to find out.” He disappears behind the Gates.

After two months St Peter has still not returned and the couple begin to have misgivings. Supposing it doesn’t work out, will they be stuck with each other for eternity? If the worst comes to the worst, will it be possible for them to get divorced in heaven?

St Peter finally returns after a further month. He looks somewhat dishevelled and travel-worn but he has a smile on his face. “Yes,” he tells them. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Oh, good,” the couple reply, “but if we find we don’t get on after all, will it be possible for us to get divorced in Heaven?”

“Of, for goodness’ sake!” exclaims St Peter. “It’s just taken me three months to find a priest up here. How long do you think it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?”