Comedy Break - UPDATED 22.01.18

Fri 21st July 2017 at 16.47 - 17.47

'You're having a Laugh'

You're having a laugh

EATING IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been  invented.

Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only  choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and  never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when  it was raining.
Brown bread was something only  poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was  for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using  tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a  bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as  posh.
Only Heinz made  beans.
Fish didn’t have fingers in  those days.
Eating raw fish was called  poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of  yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of  anything edible.
People who didn’t peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only  found in India.
Cooking outside was called  camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised  food.
“Kebab” was not even a word  never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in  those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were  medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily  available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a  tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if  someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it  they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..
…….was elbows!

Laugh with the Law

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something
you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his   sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
 
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different   attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death...
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:    Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with   male.
______________________________ _______
 
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on   dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them... The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
______________________________ ___________
 
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you   go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
______________________________ ___________
 
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________)

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No...
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a   jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.

(ALL fields required)

(ALL fields required)

Your email address will not be displayed, once the comment has been approved.

To reduce spam, http:// and www. are not allowed.